Soul Surrender

This past Sunday our church family shouted and sang united, "The Stand".  And there I stomped a foot and clutched at the sky, a baby boy's hair twirled around my finger.  The words flew from my lips and the truth behind what I was saying sunk into my too often napping soul. 

It's like that sometimes.  Us, the Jesus followers say things like, "I'll pray for you..." because it sounds like the right thing to say but then - we never do it.  Or we sign cards, "In Christ..." but so few of us really understand what that truly means.  And I'm that same Jesus-follower.  And standing in our plain, love-filled church room (the room that really can't be called a sanctuary because I know our pastor wouldn't want it called that) I'm wondering if I've really meant the words I sing. 

The words I am right now dripping tears over.

You stood before creation
Eternity in Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll walk on salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

I sing it, but have I lived it?  I'm examining my heart deeply tonight.  Have I really lived with arms high and heart abandoned?  Have I lived, no, breathed these words?

Arms high - pick me up Abba, Daddy... 

 I worship You,  I want Your will - but I am useless alone.  Carry me to Yourself. 

Heart abandoned - completely left to You, God.

Yielding my heart to you without restraint, no middle ground... totally and completely. 

Like a child trusting rocks to catch her leaping feet.

In Awe - of the One who gave it all.  Yes, God, in wide-eyed, gaping-mouthed wonder of who You are and what You've done for me.  Living the Awe, living the 'wow', every moment, every day.  Bending low to capture the glow of green in the middle of Winter's grey.

In Awe of these gifts... more precious than any words can express...

In Awe of this day.  This day - to just walk in the woods and stomp in the river...

So I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered...

all I have is Yours.

I've started praying things I never thought I would.  I've started asking God to show me the wild and crazy dreams He has for this sinner.  For me, so imperfect - so undeserving.  Yet, all good things flow from God and His love is like that rushing river... carrying me to a different place.  Things are changing, this heart is turning.  I want to go - a place where I dare to open my eyes and beg to know what needs surrendering.  To breath in and pour out the all of my heart, broken and vulnerable but held up in my shaking hands, to the One. 

Yes, not just closing eyes, raising hands and singing the words, but walking them.  And I'm not sure what that will look like - because I've never lived in face-down surrender before. Not really.  But in the last while I've had tastes and it is so sweet... so incredibly sweet. 

Thank goodness though - we aren't called to know, we are called to seek.  So, I guess I'm seeking.  Seeking this radical soul surrender, and what it means... what it truly means.

 

"If any of you need wisdom, ask for it. He will give it to you.

God gives freely to everyone."

James 1:5

(The Message)

Linked in at A Holy Experience.