As we embark on another year... another year of living, of parenting, marriage, growth, change, striving, I feel a strong urge to open up and talk about how I'm feeling. Right now, I'm more committed than ever to motherhood, to wifehood (I'm making up a word), to my relationship with Jesus Christ, to letting Him mold me. And oh my goodness, there's a LOT of molding that needs to take place up in here.
And I feel more committed than ever to write from the deep, dark corners of my heart and soul. That means the good, the amazing, the horrible, and even the humiliating. It means letting this page be a flowing river of truth, no matter what I'm going on about. And I'm humbled to discover that thousands (THOUSANDS) of people read these words. It's humbling but also scary.
Let me tell you a secret - I get incredibly nervous about what kind of impression I make on the people in my life. What people think of 'me' matters. A lot. Which is kind of funny, because I've often had people say they'd never think "I" would care what anyone thought. Me. The opinionated one... Ha! They couldn't be further from the truth.
But I digress. Let's start here:
A blogger I love wrote a post about giving each new year a 'word'. Almost like a starting point or a platform on which to build goals and hopes and dreams. Or maybe the word could be used somewhat like an 'inspiration piece' is used when designing a room. The WORD becomes the "piece de resistance", if you will. If you can? Bah, either way, if asked, I'd say my word for 2012 is perspective.
My goal for my writing is and always has been to share truth. That every soul who reads these messy words that start in a sketch pad would get a true glimpse of ME. A true glimpse of our family.
I love reading other women's blogs. So many ladies, young and old, have a wealth of knowledge and a sea of emotions and experiences to share. I grow immensely from soaking in what others pour out through the written word.
But let me be brutally honest:
There are some very popular blogs in the
Christian blogging circle that I avoid reading.
Why? Because they don't motivate me or encourage me at all. They actually make me feel bad about myself. I actually feel worse when I read about how seemingly 'perfect' these women are. Shining, radiant examples of the sparkling 'Titus 2' wife. Massaging their husband's shoulders the moment he is home from work, waiting in full make-up, with a hot meal served in fine China. Me? I'm pretty sure I'd leave 'em wanting.
There's also that large, poised, wonderfully organized Homeschooling family where Mom seems to have everything together. I read about lesson plans and daily routines and Godly discipline and the pouring out of grace and never raising one's voice at her children and I can feel my shoulders sag and my back hunch. I just can't live up to these women. I'll never be THIS. And then I feel almost defiant - are these people even real?
I want to be real.
Something vital you need to know about me -
I am nothing special.
I am not some amazing, unplugged picture of perfection. I don't do relaxation exercises in the forest- I chase my kids screaming, "HEY! Back away from the waterfall!!!" Yes, I have a touch-screen phone- and I probably text my husband thirty times a day. I watch online TV programs - mostly Extreme Home Makeover and The Dog Whisperer and documentaries about Africa. Our children like movies. Correction - our children LOVE movies. We eat candy and I often don't exercise. Sometimes, I grab McDonald's instead of making lunch because I'm lazy and it's easier. Our kids fight. A lot. I yell. I went to Wal-mart and bought laminate folders the other day AFTER blogging about how much I dislike Wal-mart because of their poor ethics. I drink Tim Horton's, even though I question where the coffee beans come from and how good it is for me. Yes, I'm just ME.
Our family is a normal, crazy, chaotic mess. We have not reached some level of 'there' like so many people seem to somehow think. It seriously makes me on edge to think people consider us a picturesque example of perfect family life. It's just not so.
I recently received a comment from a sweet reader who was questioning why I had mentioned our children watching Curious George. She wasn't criticizing, she was just wondering. "Do you consider Curious George 'educational screen time'?" she asked. Um... I'm not sure. Is this a trick question? But she was right - I had written that our children were allowed 'educational screen time'. Which is misleading, I suppose. Sometimes, they just watch silliness. They do. I mean, is "Dave and the Giant Pickle" REALLY educational? Or what about Pingu? A penguin who doesn't even speak a coherent language but instead mutters and yells "NOOOK NUUUK!" ? Probably not so much.
But the comment got me thinking about how people view us as this, "The Unplugged Family". Let me say first and foremost, we are STRIVING! (It's right there in the tag line, see?) Sure I have my opinions about popular culture and media and we do try very hard to unplug from the brunt of what the world would sell us. But, we are still human. We are still IN this culture. And we're struggling to find a way to stand apart without making people feel judged... and without driving ourselves mad. And it's hard.
I'd rather my kids have little to no screen time and I'd rather be unplugged from consumerism and branding and all the junk we're thrown... but then there's reality. The reality that I spend 60 hours a week on my own with three children and sometimes, let's face it, I need 30 minutes to make dinner. Life happens.
And I used to get REALLY worked up about it... but I'm starting to learn...
It's all about perspective. Because I think mine has been pretty messed up in the past. Because it still is some days. Because everything, given the right perspective, makes sense. Because God desires for us discernment and the ability to view things through His eyes (ie: the perfect perspective). Because sometimes, it's just not THAT big of a deal. You know, if my kids watch 2 hours of silly screen time today because I'm sick and alone for 12 hours. It's ok. I'm not letting everyone down, am I? I mean, really? (Please, help me out...)
I'm still figuring it out. And I'm not saying EMBRACE culture. I'm not. But I'm asking myself to consider perspective and I'm begging readers to please understand... we're human. Yes, I speak on issues of pop-culture, I write about unplugging and questioning media messages - but we aren't a cut-off from the world, we roll with the punches.
I'm starting to think it truly is more about how we are being the hands and feet of Jesus and spreading His love and His message. And that I be a woman who encourages and inspires rather than annoys and frustrates and makes a loving Mother feel inadequate because HER child watches too much TV. Perspective for me means we focus on living for others and spreading life. Perspective means I learn to let go of my opinions and my 'but I have to make a point' mentality, and just embrace the Everlasting... the things that REALLY matter.
The nurturing of souls is what the job of parenting is. I am so under-qualified, but still, I nurture souls along with God and my husband daily. All day. Every day. And as I do this, I want PERSPECTIVE to be a guiding factor. What is a must for these children? What needs to be breathed into their souls? What attitudes, passions, desires, and truths need to be sowed, watered, grown? And what things are just opinion-based legalistic eye-rollers? Oh, Jesus, help me figure all this out! And then Lord, help me humbly share what I'm learning in writing... here... on this little blog.
The "Unplugged" truth about us -
what you should know before reading this blog.
(A gimps at today, for example)
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| No, I do not do morning devotions. In the morning, I roll out of bed and stumble down the stairs when the kids bug me long enough. This is usually at approximately 6:45am. I then require two cups of coffee. As quickly as possible. I add sugar AND cream. Milk if cream is unavailable, which is usually the case since I ALWAYS forget to buy it. Sometimes we start projects right away (yes, this early). Often times I actually ENCOURAGE my kids to 'watch a dvd' for 30 minutes, so I can open my eyes. I DO, however, make a point of looking out the window and embracing "JOY" as my blanket for the day. |
This morning, I let our three-year-old squeeze his pudgy hands through an ENTIRE bottle of liquid soap... JUST to keep him busy.
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Two years ago I organized a basket of “Phonics and Reading Tools and Manipulatives”. I like using the word 'manipulatives' because it sounds really intelligent. I've never used it, this basket of 'things'. In fact, today was the first day we actually really started doing the Phonics program I bought in 2009. Yep. Amazing though, that our son reads brilliantly... and our daughter is well on her way. Praise God for grace... |
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Craft time is particularly entertaining at our home, as our daughter loves anything artsy, but our sons practically have to be pinned to their chairs and forced to color. This morning, Audrey daintily cut careful patterns while Simon announced that his Papel Picado was indeed a paper with “gun shots” through it and then proceeded to chase the dog through the house as I finished his craft FOR him and then sticky tacked it to the window so I felt better about myself. |
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Our 8-month-old Golden Retriever is the most spoiled puppy in the world. Despite countless hours of watching The Dog Whisperer while doing nightly dishes (and trying to unsuccessfully hide my crush on Caesar Millan), alas I am still too lazy to actually IMPLEMENT all my doggy training wisdom. She sleeps on the couch, manipulates me with her eyes, and yes, after mere moments of begging, she did get Waffles for breakfast. |
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Art Appreciation and Picture Study this week – two pieces by the late Pierre Auguste Renoir. Sounds fancy – eh? Eh? I inquisitively ask two attentive children a pre-planned question as we consider one of the famous paintings: “What do you suppose this young girl is thinking about?” They look at the print-outs, carefully laminated and cut to size. They look back at me, blank stares. “Um...” says my six-year-old son. “POOP!?” He laughs. "Yes, poop. She's thinking about POOP!!!" Bursts of laughter. My head throws back. And THIS is advanced Charlotte Mason Picture Study in our home. Right. |
Literary Enrichment time... Charlotte Mason says to seek out only enriching, beautifully written, inspiring literature for young children, not wasting time on 'twaddle'. Well, as for me and my kids... sometimes, we just like a really ridiculous Robert Munch audio book. Pretty sure his work would be considered 19th century SUPER twaddle though... just sayin'.
I'm a Home Educator. I absolutely love my children. They are my priority and my passion. But really, I'm just a normal, every day person who feels called to a lifestyle embraced by less than 5% of the Canadian population. I'm often disorganized, rarely stay with my schedule, and sift through piles of books a mile high to find my 'to-do' lists, still incomplete, from 3 days ago. I spend hours every night organizing lessons and activities and desperately trying to inspire our children. Trust me when I say, I rely heavily on grace. It's just so not about me.
Many days, I'm so overwhelmed with the stress of Mothering three children and a puppy that I just stare out the window pleading for Jesus to help me through the day. “Give me wisdom, oh Lord!!! Patience, pour your peace on this home... pour your grace over me... please Lord, I need help...”
I share all this to communicate my heart. I want to be real. We are not a perfect family. Not because we strive to be unplugged... and not because we homeschool. Not because I blog. Not because I speak. Haha... not even close. I desperately want the 'real' us to be the heartbeat of this blog for the coming year and beyond. I care deeply about sharing truth and not making our family seem like something we're not. We are normal, we are crazy, we make mistakes, we are covered by AWESOME grace... and above all else, we love each other and our God. We are work in progress.
I like to joke, but I'm intensely serious about the grit of this post. I will be an honest writer, and an honest communicator. I don't want this blog or anything I write to contain even a hint of pretense. I'm broken. I suck most of the time. I'll never 'live up' to the imagery of the 'perfect' wife, mother, homeschooler. It's not 'gonna' happen. Not for me, and not for most of us.
And the last thing in the world I'd ever want to do is make someone else feel inadequate because my blog somehow 'puffs' me up.
Our life is beautiful... but not perfect.
Let's embrace each other – faults and all. I'll hug you, you hug me. I'll share this journey, every insane, crazy, calm, simple, unplugged, and sometimes too-plugged moment of it... but with perspective. With a desperate, humble striving towards the truth God calls us to... a life lived on purpose and for the right Purpose. A life focused on what TRULY matters - the Eternal. Not on being 'just so' or following some code for the Perfect Christian Mom or Wife or Daughter. There is no such code. We are all saved by grace and God views the heart (thank goodness) not the pretty home or the organized lesson plans. He sees the heart - right through these key taps too.
May you also see my heart, friends.
Thanks for coming on this journey with me... I'm so looking forward to seeing what is to come.
Cassandra
A Holy Experience
We are THAT Family
The Gypsy Mama
Big House in the Little Woods
(There are many... but these are ones I love and visit often, if not daily...)
God Bless in 2012!
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